My head has been on constant throb mode due to staring at my computer all day doing absolutely nothing but aimlessly clicking away. I should buy a boss and a cubicle.
You almost didn’t hear from me because I wanted to be lazy. I haven’t gone out to see if the world is still in existence, and my feed on WordPress hasn’t had a new post written by anyone since sometime last night so maybe I’m finally the only living soul. My excuse is again that I’m cold, it’s windy, I’m kind of lame, and when you aren’t working every day like ya used to, you really don’t care to leave the house that much. Nothing at all is obligating me to go out into the cold.
Unless it is coffee and donuts.
I’ve been wanting to talk about how badly I want to move on from certain things, people, and places but I still have a fear of things biting me in the ass afterwards. It causes a serious case of writers block.
I’ve been learning that if one is constantly worrying about who they may offend, one is destined to become a mute. Why can’t I just be a sociopath? I’d be worry free.
It is amazing how many meals a bag of frozen hash browns can become. The texture is amazing and so far I’ve avoided the taco shop all week because I’ve been making potato tacos at home like the good vegan I never was. Right now I’m eating portobello mushroom ravioli that has cheese in it. But care, I do not.
Once people learn I work as a professional chef for a living they are quick to invite themselves over for a meal. They may be surprised that I’m likely to always be eating some rendition of beans, rice, and fruit. I’m pretty basic with my diet and don’t cook fancy without a paycheck.
Today I found that my family wasn’t so hung up on me not coming home for Thanksgiving this year, but they were more so concerned that they wouldn’t be getting their hands on last year’s famous dinner rolls and dutch apple pies until Christmastime.
I am constantly being taken advantage of. Can’t wait.
Every time I walk home from getting groceries I have to pass by Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles where someone is always struggling to take a selfie in front of the ragged sign. Out of all the sites here in Los Angeles, a ragged Chicken and Waffles sign is considered a souvenir.
Post ends here.
I often wonder if I will ever have a life outside of a back brace again. The pain I thought was gone returned over the last few days. I may have gotten a little too excited about being healed and now it’s coming back to haunt me.
Most of the time I’ll do anything to not get fat. There’s only a certain amount of weight I’m willing to accumulate before it’s time to get my life together. I understand some people will say my fears are irrational and I’ll counter that with they are irrational and are more likely to get fat.
I like to run, cycle and workout and four months of disability put all of that on hold. I had dimples on my thighs when I stood up, so at the first sign of being healed I ran. I ran by the beach and up stairs and all the way home 3 times a week. Now I’m crying for my chiropractor like he’s my mommy.
I’m not sure if the idea that I may never live a pain-free life again is irrational or not. Once upon a time I believed my fears and premonitions of being in a car wreck were irrational as well. Now I see it as an everyday possibility.
Instead of yoga, I began the day by stretching real quick and drawing a picture.
I began doing caricatures sometime last year when I was discouraged by the cheapening of photography. Thanks internet. I considered using it as a way to make extra cash while I was on the road but I can’t imagine posting up on a sidewalk to stare at and draw strangers all day. I’d rather continue on as a cook.
I’ve always been good at drawing but never great. With no formal training, my talent has only gone as far as cartooning. The exaggerations I make with caricature gives me an odd sense of satisfaction because I am able to take my time & make reality match my imagination!
It can get kind of funny.
It helps me to remember faces better, describe them, recognize emotions and to make up stories.
It is also satisfying to know I have good hands.
I finally bought a coat! Two actually. Something to fit my personal style without being so girly and suction-like. Something comfortable.
It was delivered on a hot summer November day. 81 degrees, go figure.
I went with the Anorak style for both. In Black and in Olive. Both are faux fur lined with draw strings and have all the other fashion things people talk about to make me not feel like so much of a frump.
I don’t really like to put pictures up of myself anymore. It’s something weird about it.
Sometimes I feel myself begin to take people for granted and I forget to call unless it’s important. I called my mom today to tell her I won’t be back for ThanksGiving for the first time. It wasn’t sad. It was nice.
Hey Mom, thanks Mom. You’re great.
Womanhood is sitting in a pool of blood, hair wild, eyes frantic while demanding brownies and a tub of ice cream.
I always imagined that when I moved to L.A I would enroll in acting classes. I was far too shy as a kid to be an actress, but I admired the craft and the way about performers. As I became an “adult” I then began to recognize it’s value as a therapy. Teaching a person to get over themselves, become someone else, and to stay in character no matter what.
Lack in confidence in myself stemmed from my warped perceptions. I was in the Truman Show and every eye was on me and judging. Testing me. Anxiety, Rage, Panic Attacks. Everything was a trigger whether a person knew me or not and it wasn’t until I finally found a calm mind again that I saw just how mental my thoughts could make me. The swirling negativity, it was like a sinkhole and it completely warped my mind to believe that the world was attacking me.
I am unexpectedly living in L.A now and have been here for about one month exactly. So this might be a thing. We forget to do the work we need to do on ourselves when we have the time to do it.
I read a quote this morning that said, “God was guiding your steps back then, and he is guiding them now.” and right after, a person on my computer spoke out loud, “You think you have any control over your life?! none of us do.”
I am nowhere that I thought I’d be. Even in September I had no idea that I would be here in October. Life is pretty messed up that way.
And the mind is a trickster. Making plans in order to soothe us, knowing nothing is actually going to turn out the way we expect. Our lives can be happier than we ever could have planned if we just fucking let go of our shit.
Stop worrying about your outcome. You will be happy.
I am living my life the way I always imagined I would as a kid except I am way less renown and famous. I consider myself to be successful.
I often wonder why my way of life never makes the news or why it is never romanticized. Maybe it is and I just never watch the news. Or maybe I’m on the road to becoming a hobo and just don’t know it. Either way, this has got to be the way that life was meant to be lived.
Living place to place, city to city is an adventure in itself but it also turns me into a ghost in people’s lives. Although I travel slowly, I’m never in one place long enough to see the next blue moon in which I’m in contact with a friend so maintaining relationships is pretty rough. In 3 years I’ve lived in 4 different cities, 2 different states, on 2 different coasts.
This is the way I am happy right now. And although it often goes misunderstood, I don’t know any other way I would want it.